i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
