There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
