i was born a porn star she said
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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