Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
