he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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