i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
