I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
