Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
