I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
