I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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