I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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