If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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