My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
