I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Can I color on your dick again?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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