people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
