I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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