So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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