Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
