how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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