hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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