no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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