Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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