not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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