You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
