it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
