Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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