so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
