so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
