i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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