I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
