Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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