I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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