Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
