Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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