woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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