Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
