Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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