We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
