good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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