You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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