If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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