Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
