mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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