I'm so fucking centered right now
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
