I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
