Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
