I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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