I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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