Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
