you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
